


Finding yourself (english version)

by GadgetoQueer



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Nonbinary Alex Danvers, Nonbinary Character, Packing, Self-Acceptance, Smut, Soft BDSM, binding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:41:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24876352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GadgetoQueer/pseuds/GadgetoQueer
Summary: Alex came out as a lesbian and is happy in her relationship with Maggie. But she still has things to discover and explore.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my native language. Be kind please !
> 
> Edit : The chapter has been corrected and updated.   
> Thank you very much [42Forever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/42Forever) for your proofreading and corrections!

Alex looks out at the clothes spread out on the bed, not knowing where to start.

The past few months have seen the beginning of her relationship with Maggie, a relationship she has found has made her feel oh so good. Her coming out to her family and friends went very well. She has found being a lesbian to be all at once a revelation and like something obvious she had been missing, all the while living life filled with the joys of a relationship as a couple – each day was truly both a joy and a discovery. Still, something seemed to always be bothering her.

Since joining the queer community, Alex has done plenty of research. First, when she began to have feelings for Maggie, to simply get a clearer picture. And then, to learn even more, to try, as best she could, to make up for lost time.

Maggie isn’t averse to sharing, and so – together – they had watched many movies and tv shows with women loving women.

Bit by bit, Alex’s research led her to learn about transness. She read many people’s personal stories, watched documentaries, and through it all, in spite of herself, something nagged at her telling her that there was still something more for her to find. She didn’t talk to Maggie about this, though.

It was her exploration; it was too personal.

Alex recognised that not all that she once believed to be “true,” was, just that – true. After all, she had spent years thinking she was heterosexual, no questions asked. Maybe, she might have missed something just as important.

And so, gradually, secretly, she bought herself clothes and accessories that appealed her in a certain way. And she had ordered certain things online that she found at once scary and enticing.

And today, Alex finds herself home alone. She’s off work today and knows that Maggie will be working all day and likely a good part of the evening, as well. She just crosses her fingers, in the hope that Supergirl doesn’t need her. Today is a day for her – a day to explore.

Sometimes, she goes ahead and puts on underpants or boxer briefs when going to sleep. She began doing so alone and enjoyed it. Soon, she also experimented, in this fashion, with Maggie (who already tended to wear them from time to time, so she didn’t ask any questions of Alex). 

She puts on a pair of boxer briefs that she knows she will feel good in. Then, she moves her hand to the package she received today. She opens it and pulls out a short, black binder. She hopes that she took her measurements correctly and won’t have to return it. She puts it on – like a t-shirt – and though it takes a bit to position it properly, she decides it’s fine – frankly she expected worse.

She can’t help going to the mirror next.

The day is going to go swimmingly – she can tell. She feels a little uneasy but oh so impatient to discover this new facet of herself. 

* * *

Maggie’s day finished up earlier than she’d expected. She had texted Alex to let her know that she was going to be on her way home and asked if she had any ideas for their evening together – but hadn’t received a response yet.

Standing before the door, she knocked, to give Alex fair warning, but quickly realized that her girlfriend was listening to music quite loudly. She goes in, after all she’s had keys for a while now.

She doesn’t immediately see Alex, but notices the bed covered with in many different clothes, which for the most part she has never seen.

Upon realizing she’s no longer alone, Alex practically has a heart attack.

“Maggie! You scared me! I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Maybe because you’ve got the music turned up so loud?”

Alex rushes to turn the music off. Her heart is racing and she’s feeling uncomfortable that her girlfriend has found her like this. Besides, Maggie’s examining her – looking her up and down – with both a look of surprise and that of an interrogator. Alex is wearing men’s jeans and a shirt that lays against her flat chest. To hide her hair, she’d put on a baseball cap. She looks both more masculine and more androgynous. Just minutes earlier, she had felt full of new energy and confidence. Now, she doesn’t know what to say, as she blushes lightly. Not knowing what to do with her hands, she puts them in her pockets for the meantime – until they stop fidgeting.

“I texted you to tell you that I ended up being free this evening…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you.”

“Oh, uh…I forgot to check my messages.”

Maggie continues looking at Alex, a pensive air about her.

“You don’t need to feel uncomfortable – you know.”

“Uncomfortable? N-no I’m not uncomfortable…it’s just that…”

She looks down at her feet, unable to bring herself to finish her sentence. She just feels stupid now and wishes she could just take her clothes she’s wearing off and go back to her old clothes. Maggie takes her hand and pulls her towards her to gently hug her.

“Alex, I want you to feel comfortable enough with me to be who you want to be, and to explore your desires, whatever they may be.”

She blushes a little at Maggie’s words. Up until then, they’ve explored each other’s sexual desires quite a bit, with Alex discovering a submissive side that she had never imagined having.

“Alex, talk to me.”

“I…I mean…I feel lost, I need to explore things to better understand where I’m at.”

“Things on your masculine side?”

“Yes…”

The answer came out oh so quietly that Maggie might have missed it if she hadn't been entirely focused on Alex.

Maggie gently leads her partner to the couch so that they sit facing each other, as she then takes Alex’s hands in her own.

“I’m here for you, you know. You can trust me. Is there anything you want to tell me? Can I help you with your exploring?”

“I don’t know yet. Can…can we talk about this later?”

“Of course. What do you want to do in the meantime? Do you want to have the place to yourself tonight?”

“Can we just watch a movie – the two of us?”

“Of course! Your pick.” 

Alex ended up relaxing a bit. She took off her cap and rested her head on Maggie’s thigh, who was busy tenderly stroking Alex’s hair. The day’s emotions were catching up to her and she found her eyes closing of their own accord, while she struggled to continue watching the movie.

“Alex…”

Maggie pauses the movie, with a slightly concerned look to her.

“I don’t want to keep you from sleeping, but I was wondering if you’re wearing a binder?”

“What? Why?”

“This isn’t an interrogation, Alex. It's just that I imagine you know you should never sleep with a binder…or keep it on for too long. Have you been wearing it all day?”

“Um, yes…”

“So, you should take it off, and put on something comfier for the night. I saw you have plenty of options for yourself over on the bed.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Please tell me you looked up binder wearing dos and don’ts earlier?”

“Yes, but then you came home, and I don’t think I was comfortable with you knowing I was wearing a…”

“It doesn’t bother me – really. And to answer your question, one of my exes was very butch, and wore a binder almost every day. Oh, and Alex?”

“Yes, what?”

“Know that if you want to keep what’s in your boxers, that doesn’t bother me either.”

This time, Alex’s blush reaches all the way to her ears, causing her to – without further ado – take refuge in the bathroom. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to [42Forever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/42Forever) for beta reading !

After the end of the movie, Alex quickly went to bed, exhausted from all the emotions of the day. Comfortably laying under the duvet, she’s still wearing her boxers and now a too-big-for-her t-shirt, too. Not knowing quite what to do, she keeps her packer on, enjoying the feeling it gives her.  
Maggie joins her, slipping in to lay by her side – herself in a t-shirt and underclothes. She tenderly kisses her.

  
“How are you feeling?”

  
“Ok…tired, I think.”

  
They stay like that, for a moment, just looking at each other, without a word. Maggie’s hand caresses Alex’s side and lower back. Bit by bit, her hand lingers on Alex’s thigh, as well. Alex seems to let herself go then and relaxes into the tender ministrations of her lover. They tenderly kiss, as Maggie slides her tongue against Alex’s, causing Alex to let out a small sigh of pleasure.

  
“Alex…we don’t have to do anything, you know. If you want to just cuddle before we fall asleep, that’s fine by me.”

  
As an answer, Alex deepens her kisses, her tongue well and truly exploring the mouth of her lover. Her hands begin to run along the full length of Maggie’s body. It’s sweet and tender. Tonight, this evening, there is no pressing, driving, air between them – it’s just the two of them and a need to connect and to simply be – together.  
Their kisses continue, for some time, holding them tight together. Maggie caresses Alex’s body – her stomach, her thighs, her inner thighs – she moves imperceptibly closer to her boxers, all while taking her time. Alex feels it as her skin – her whole body – is electrified.  
When at last Maggie lays her hand on her packer, it feels as though Alex’s heart is about to stop.

  
“Can I?”

  
Alex nods her head.

  
“What would you like, Alex?”

  
“I…I don’t know…”

  
“You’ll tell me if something bothers you or makes you uncomfortable?”

  
Alex stays silent.

  
“I need your words, Alex.”

  
“I’ll tell you if something bothers me.”

  
“Can I stroke your cock through your boxers.”

  
“Oh God…yes…please…”

  
Maggie gets to it, bringing her hand back and forth over the packer, jerking it as much as possible through the underwear’s fabric. It isn’t a prosthetic made for sex, but for the time they will share tonight, it will serve them well enough.

  
“Maggie? Can I…umm…can I come onto you and rub myself against your pussy?”

  
“Of course – I’m proud of you for being able to ask.”

  
Alex blushes, full of pleasure. She had taken her time to recognize her desires, and certainly before daring to communicate them. And Maggie always knew to compliment her and make her feel at ease about this.  
She lies against her partner, the bulge of her boxers naturally resting just above the opening of her lover’s pussy. Surprisingly, though Alex had worn a strap-on before, she had never felt this turned on. She feels as though the packer is simply an extension of herself, and even if it isn’t erect, she feels connected to it, full of masculinity that she has never dared to explore until now.  
As she kisses Maggie, her loins buckle and sway, causing the emotions in the room to heat up further. Soon the room gets filled with many groans and moans. Each figure moving in search of their own pleasure, further turned on by the desire of the other. Their bodies know each other well, and yet, find themselves discovering each other anew, almost as though they were teenagers again.  
Maggie comes first. Not a powerful and explosive orgasm, but one full of – connection – connection to her lover, while also fully recognizing the sense that this is but the beginning of their exploring, whether alone or together.  
Seeing Maggie in said state only serves to further how turned-on Alex is, and so she then lets herself fully go – and comes herself. Her whole body stretches itself, before relaxing completely in the arms of her partner.  
Maggie hugs Alex, strongly, in the hopes of showing her that she is there for her and that she can count on her. She feels tears run down her neck. Alex cries, quietly.  
It isn’t the first time she’s cried after sex, but the situation today is a unique one.

  
“It will be ok, Alex. What’s got you crying?”

  
“I feel overwhelmed…and I’m afraid…”

  
“Afraid of what?”

  
“I’m not sure exactly, of the unknown…”

  
Maggie tenderly kisses her, and Alex, fully exhausted by the emotions swirling within, falls asleep in Maggie’s arms.

* * *

The next morning, Maggie gets up and joins Alex who is already drinking her coffee. She kisses her.

  
“You smell nice. Been up long?”

  
Alex is showered and wearing her usual clothes.

  
“For a bit. I couldn’t sleep.”

  
“Too much on your mind?”

  
“Mhm…yeah.”

  
“Do you want to talk about it?”

  
“I don’t know what to say or where to even start…”

  
“Maybe with what made you take the leap and explore your masculine side?”

  
“Oh, I don’t know. It was gradual – I was looking at things online, first about lesbians, then I saw stuff about gender, and I realized I didn’t know anything about that. So, I dug deeper, trying to better understand things.”

  
“And now?”

  
Alex sighs.

  
“Now it’s more confusing than ever. I thought what I was feeling was ‘normal,’ and I didn’t question myself, but the deeper I go, the less I understand, who I even am. I never felt comfortable with the idea of being a girl, much less a woman. That just doesn’t make sense to me – I can’t bring myself to say that that’s me, or that such a label belongs to me. But I always felt this way, so until now, I didn’t see a problem. And then, upon reading up on the subject, I began to tell myself, that maybe, maybe, I’m not a woman...”

  
“Yesterday though, did it feel good to explore your masculine side?”

  
“Very much so. But at the same time, I don’t know if that’s something I want to do every day. Right now, I just want to explore all this on my own, or with you, if you’d like.”

  
“Of course. Is there anything I can do? Anything regarding your name? Pronouns?”

  
“I don’t know; let me think on it… You’re taking this all in so calmly, Maggie! Meanwhile, I am feeling as though my whole world is falling apart – which scares me terribly.”

  
“What exactly are you worried about?”

  
“I’m scared that I’ve fooled myself all these years. I’m scared of being a boy.”

  
Alex has her eyes focused on her mug. Maggie puts her hand on that of Alex, and feels it shaking.

  
“And would it be so wrong if that were the case?”

  
“I’d be afraid of losing it all…Kara, my friends, you. You – you’re a lesbian, what would you even make of me if I were a man?!”

  
“Alex, all in good time, most important right now is you. That you can explore who you are, without worrying about the rest. I know it’s hard, but you’re surrounded by people who love you, so don’t start imagining that you’re going to lose them all.

I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

  
“Promise?”

  
“Promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am non binary but keep in mind that all non binary people have different experiences.


End file.
